Lots of things are going on right now and they are happening at a pace that is seemingly more and more difficult to stay on top of -- hopefully, just for now. Here is a short run down of what we're been up to lately:
- Dealing with a bullying issue at M's school AND seeing what the school is going to do to make it stop (they don't seem to 'get' that no response to bullying is a response)
-Going to M's volleyball games (this has been FUN!!)
-Working hard to help M get a major school project done (the grandparents were a HUGE help with this- they had M over all day Saturday AND Sunday to help her work toward getting her project done) and we think she is at least 85% done at this point - yeah!
-Working w/ M's doctor to change her dosage so she is feeling more in control of her emotions. She is on a trial right now of 20mg of her regular med and 1/3 of a capsule of the same med at a different dose.
-Checking out another school we could/possibly send her to another school (see lack of response to bullying issue above)
-M is starting Young Life tonight and a dear friend of ours is going to go to the first meeting with M (Tonight they are celebrating and making a 50ft ice cream sundae for the kids!)
-Trying to decide what kind of upgrades to do to our house. In the next few years we intend to sell, and we're trying to make improvements along the way.
-We are madly looking for a study skills program M could take to help her with organization & studying (please let me know if you know of any good places!!)
-All the above combined w/ regular, ordinary things has kept up super busy! Hopefully this week things s-l-o-w down!
Monday, October 11, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Some recent funnies
M has really become more interested in make up lately. When returning from a recent outing she tried to explain to her dad and I that she "should be able to wear mascara - just mascara." When we asked, "Why, do you need mascara?" She said, "It will help me keep my eyes open better." Hmmm....I had to think about this one for a second...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------On the way to school the other day I asked her to smell the sweater in the car-
(it was cold out and I'd forgotten to grab a sweater and I wanted to make sure it smelled ok; I have NO sense of smell, to be completely honest).
M: "It doesn't smell too bad mom. Someone would have to be really close to you to smell it."
Me: "Oh?"
M: "Yeah, they'd have to be really close to you to smell it!"
Me: "Well, what does it smell like?"
M: "Your hair, mom."
<<oh, dear!>>
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The music video for the song, "Woman" was on the other day. M saw Yoko Ono sitting on a bench. M looked at up and said emphatically, "Is that Michael Jackson?" We said, "Umm, NO."
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PS
I got some great pics from the goat farm we're volunteering at that I will post this weekend!
Sunday, September 26, 2010
The Mom Taxi
We’ve been pretty busy the past week or so and one thing that has taken up some time is well, is managing, M’s behaviors and trying to tease out what is ‘normal’ for her age and what is a product of her previous environment and trying to manage the two.
She has been on two medications that have helped IMMENSELY with her behaviors. Early on when she moved in we took her to Mary Bridge and I honestly don’t recall who recommended we take her there or why, but we are SO glad we did! She sees someone at their Developmental Behavioral Pediatrics office. During our last visit over the summer her provider offered that we might need to up her dose of Vyvanse, which, according to some is one of the latest ADD/ADHD new cocktails of drugs that helps with focusing and managing impulsivity. Doctors don’t really know why stimulants work yet (so we’ve been told) because if you think about it, if you have someone who is hyperactive you’d think that if you gave them a stimulant, it would worsen their hyperactivity, when in actuality, it does the opposite. Regardless of the origins of Vyvanse, we can see a huge difference in M’s behaviors when she is on it and more importantly, she expresses it makes her be able to focus better and thereby participate more appropriately in school increasing her confidence in general. The other medication that helps is Prozac and this taken once per day helps her manage her anger and emotions. The combination of the two, at least in our house hold, is the perfect marriage of medicinals.
What medicine doesn’t ‘cure’ we work to change through a combo of cognitive behavior management, suggestions from her butt-kicking therapist and things we think of or things others we know have tried. Recently, in therapy, we talked about how lately we’ve had a lot of arguing on M’s part in the morning for one reason or another. My response was that if she wasn’t behaving or was being overly nasty in the mornings (I drive her to school), I would not be taking her to school (ok, so she LOVES-loves-LOVES school, and, yes, there are laws stating she HAS to go to school, but the idea of NOT going to school, for M, is horrific!!) and while she usually gets herself back into gear, once I drove around the block a few times and when I came back to get her she seemed to ‘get’ that she needed to behave. BUT, her therapist came up with a much better, far more effective idea. In fact, when she suggested the idea in front of M, M’s jaw-dropped, in horror. The suggestion was made that when M was being nasty, she’d need to pay me to take her to school – that is right, pay me because I would become the “Mom Taxi” and when you ride the taxi, you have to pay for the trip. She hasn’t had to take the “Mom Taxi” to school yet, but I am sure it will happen at some point.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Tantrum strategies
This weekend has been a long one. Yesterday I had a migraine but last night and this morning has been overshadowed by M having some tantrums. Last night she was stomping, yelling – screaming. You know the kind where those handy catch phrases like, “are you being the parent or the child” -- don’teven touch the issue.
Ultimately, she wasn’t following directions and was told she was done with volleyball (this is her first year on a sporting team and she loves it) and was told this morning she needed to start her resignation letter to her coach. I then wished her good night and that I knew she would do the right thing (despite the fact she was yelling at me from her room). I then went back to my room and had a great time watching TV. (Being able to separate her anger and my emotions has been a process.)
This morning she gave us her completed letter and it read:
Dear Mr. Ward,
I have to quit because mom’s making me. She says that I was being mean, when I say I wasn’t. My mom’s making me (making is underlined twice) quit the team.
From, M
Did you sense any anger in her letter? Of course you can imagine the redirection we gave her after reading her letter. She wasn’t too interested in hearing it and more arguing ensued on her part. She likes to tell us she isn’t getting enough sleep (this line is one of her favorites and it may well be true) and she “wasn’t thinking straight.”
Sleep is so essential to M’s ability to function normally and maintain her behaviors it is amazing. I have heard that for kids who are adopted they have something like 5x the muscle movement at night in their sleep as compared to kids in a healthy birth family. This explains why so often we check on her at night that she is wrapped up in her sheets and blankets much like a mummy. Not having any birth children of our own I can’t make any comparison between sleep of a birth child and sleep of an adopted child, so I have to go on what I’ve been told.
We have been working to help M see that if she gets her homework and chores done when we ask rather than dilly-dallying she’d get to bed earlier and get more sleep. This has been something we’ve been working on for a while and I’m sure will continue to work on for a while.
Some of our strategies in this situation are to:
1) Give her the opposite of what she thinks she will get – like we did when she got to take a hot bath in lieu of a ‘punishment’. Once, we took her out to ice cream after an epic tantrum in a restaurant and we actually had a really great conversation over ice cream about how she has every right to be angry because of everything she went through with her birth family, but that she has to channel her behavior appropriately. Life is about choices, we tell her. She can choose to be angry and mean or she can choose to try and help others who've maybe even been through similar things. We've told her we'll support her however she wants to do this if this is what she wants to do. This example resonates with her as we have a doctor she sees who was once held hostage by gorillas in Mexico (not the animal gorillas), had a gun put to his head and now he is one of her favorite people to go see because he is so positive - he chose to help others!
2) Do something shocking – for a while when she would tantrum if I started making loud, weird monkey noises (or if at home I’d start dancing – anything to get her back on track with reality) she’d start laughing and immediately change out of her funk – this worked well in the car with just her and I -- when I do this now, she is horrified because, well, everyone around us MUST be watching us :).
During our PRIDE training one of the trainers told us about a child she had who continually had tantrums in the grocery store when they went shopping. Well, one day they went shopping for groceries in another town and the trainer decided she was going to have a tantrum. She got on the floor and started screaming and flailing her arms. The child was aghast but even better stopped having tantrums in the store.
3) Give her time alone to calm down be it in her room or her walking w/ the dog. We've done this in restaurants - she has to sit in the waiting area until our food comes at which point one of us will go get her and she can eat with us if she is nice or we take her food home for her to finish (we make this clear to her ahead of time so she can refocus herself). I've done this in the mall by having her stand somewhere specific in the store where we can see one another but we're not together.
4) Give her food –sometimes she will be upset and we’ll realize she hasn’t eaten in a while (for this reason we always have spare snacks with us in the car). She and I were in Costco once and she was just being rotten. I kept hoping someone would tell her how awful she was being, but that didn't happen. I finally looked at her and said, "Do you want some pizza?" She immediately stopped her nastiness and said, "Yes!"
What strategies do you use when your child is so wound up they can’t function appropriately?
Ultimately, she wasn’t following directions and was told she was done with volleyball (this is her first year on a sporting team and she loves it) and was told this morning she needed to start her resignation letter to her coach. I then wished her good night and that I knew she would do the right thing (despite the fact she was yelling at me from her room). I then went back to my room and had a great time watching TV. (Being able to separate her anger and my emotions has been a process.)
This morning she gave us her completed letter and it read:
Dear Mr. Ward,
I have to quit because mom’s making me. She says that I was being mean, when I say I wasn’t. My mom’s making me (making is underlined twice) quit the team.
From, M
Did you sense any anger in her letter? Of course you can imagine the redirection we gave her after reading her letter. She wasn’t too interested in hearing it and more arguing ensued on her part. She likes to tell us she isn’t getting enough sleep (this line is one of her favorites and it may well be true) and she “wasn’t thinking straight.”
Sleep is so essential to M’s ability to function normally and maintain her behaviors it is amazing. I have heard that for kids who are adopted they have something like 5x the muscle movement at night in their sleep as compared to kids in a healthy birth family. This explains why so often we check on her at night that she is wrapped up in her sheets and blankets much like a mummy. Not having any birth children of our own I can’t make any comparison between sleep of a birth child and sleep of an adopted child, so I have to go on what I’ve been told.
We have been working to help M see that if she gets her homework and chores done when we ask rather than dilly-dallying she’d get to bed earlier and get more sleep. This has been something we’ve been working on for a while and I’m sure will continue to work on for a while.
Some of our strategies in this situation are to:
1) Give her the opposite of what she thinks she will get – like we did when she got to take a hot bath in lieu of a ‘punishment’. Once, we took her out to ice cream after an epic tantrum in a restaurant and we actually had a really great conversation over ice cream about how she has every right to be angry because of everything she went through with her birth family, but that she has to channel her behavior appropriately. Life is about choices, we tell her. She can choose to be angry and mean or she can choose to try and help others who've maybe even been through similar things. We've told her we'll support her however she wants to do this if this is what she wants to do. This example resonates with her as we have a doctor she sees who was once held hostage by gorillas in Mexico (not the animal gorillas), had a gun put to his head and now he is one of her favorite people to go see because he is so positive - he chose to help others!
2) Do something shocking – for a while when she would tantrum if I started making loud, weird monkey noises (or if at home I’d start dancing – anything to get her back on track with reality) she’d start laughing and immediately change out of her funk – this worked well in the car with just her and I -- when I do this now, she is horrified because, well, everyone around us MUST be watching us :).
During our PRIDE training one of the trainers told us about a child she had who continually had tantrums in the grocery store when they went shopping. Well, one day they went shopping for groceries in another town and the trainer decided she was going to have a tantrum. She got on the floor and started screaming and flailing her arms. The child was aghast but even better stopped having tantrums in the store.
3) Give her time alone to calm down be it in her room or her walking w/ the dog. We've done this in restaurants - she has to sit in the waiting area until our food comes at which point one of us will go get her and she can eat with us if she is nice or we take her food home for her to finish (we make this clear to her ahead of time so she can refocus herself). I've done this in the mall by having her stand somewhere specific in the store where we can see one another but we're not together.
4) Give her food –sometimes she will be upset and we’ll realize she hasn’t eaten in a while (for this reason we always have spare snacks with us in the car). She and I were in Costco once and she was just being rotten. I kept hoping someone would tell her how awful she was being, but that didn't happen. I finally looked at her and said, "Do you want some pizza?" She immediately stopped her nastiness and said, "Yes!"
What strategies do you use when your child is so wound up they can’t function appropriately?
Friday, September 10, 2010
RAD behavior management strategies
So, RAD consequences are a bit counter intuitive and so some of the best saying to get M to rethink her actions are a bit different, as well.
Some of my favorite RAD-ish saying and strategies are:
When she is trying to maintain control: Are you being the parent or the child?
She tries, at times, to gain control of the situation because w/ her birth family this is what she did – she was in the position where she had to fend for herself all the time and so we’ve been working hard to reteach her how to be a kid – and do kid things. This saying forces her to acknowledge her role is to be the child. We are the parents and she does not have to do anything but be a kid.
When she is acting immature: Are you acting 5 (or however old) or are you acting 12 (insert the child’s current age)?
Then we’ll talk about how someone who is 12 behaves verse someone who is 5 (or whatever age). Of course, there are times where it is appropriate for her to act young because she didn’t get her needs met at those ages. For instance, in the tub she has toys and though she doesn’t play with them as much as when she first moved in, she still plays with them off and on.
When she isn’t following directions: What did I ask you to do? (Meaning she repeats back to me what she was told to do)
We use this when she has been given directions but has either gotten off task or has done something she wasn’t told to do. Having her repeat directions to us before she starts chores or does multiple step tasks does help increase her level of success.
The kicker...
When she is REALLY being nasty and we’re in public (we've used this in the mall the most often) to get her head thinking straight we will tell her, “M, you need to spit out your attitude.” She refuses and we’ll tell her again. Eventually she spits it out on the ground (at this point she is just spitting once on the ground). Then we tell her, “Ok, now say, ‘goodbye’ to your attitude.” She then looks at us and says, “Do I have to?” with that pre-teen glare. “Yes, you have to.” She says, “Goodbye attitude” while looking at the ground at her attitude. Then, we lastly tell her she needs to stomp on her attitude. If this doesn’t make her smile and/or laugh (this is, afterall, pretty ridiculous!) or at least change her attitude some, we make her stomp more and the combination of her stomping and noticing that people might be looking at her (of course, being 12 she is sure everyone is always watcher her), gets her out of her funk.
Some of my favorite RAD-ish saying and strategies are:
When she is trying to maintain control: Are you being the parent or the child?
She tries, at times, to gain control of the situation because w/ her birth family this is what she did – she was in the position where she had to fend for herself all the time and so we’ve been working hard to reteach her how to be a kid – and do kid things. This saying forces her to acknowledge her role is to be the child. We are the parents and she does not have to do anything but be a kid.
When she is acting immature: Are you acting 5 (or however old) or are you acting 12 (insert the child’s current age)?
Then we’ll talk about how someone who is 12 behaves verse someone who is 5 (or whatever age). Of course, there are times where it is appropriate for her to act young because she didn’t get her needs met at those ages. For instance, in the tub she has toys and though she doesn’t play with them as much as when she first moved in, she still plays with them off and on.
When she isn’t following directions: What did I ask you to do? (Meaning she repeats back to me what she was told to do)
We use this when she has been given directions but has either gotten off task or has done something she wasn’t told to do. Having her repeat directions to us before she starts chores or does multiple step tasks does help increase her level of success.
The kicker...
When she is REALLY being nasty and we’re in public (we've used this in the mall the most often) to get her head thinking straight we will tell her, “M, you need to spit out your attitude.” She refuses and we’ll tell her again. Eventually she spits it out on the ground (at this point she is just spitting once on the ground). Then we tell her, “Ok, now say, ‘goodbye’ to your attitude.” She then looks at us and says, “Do I have to?” with that pre-teen glare. “Yes, you have to.” She says, “Goodbye attitude” while looking at the ground at her attitude. Then, we lastly tell her she needs to stomp on her attitude. If this doesn’t make her smile and/or laugh (this is, afterall, pretty ridiculous!) or at least change her attitude some, we make her stomp more and the combination of her stomping and noticing that people might be looking at her (of course, being 12 she is sure everyone is always watcher her), gets her out of her funk.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Introducing Beamer
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Epiphanies
Today, at M’s first therapy session in 2 weeks, things went great. We LOVE, love, LOVE her therapist!!
We didn’t come by her the first try, but, rather the second and at a time when things were not going well. (The first therapist was good and knew her stuff, but wasn’t a good fit for our family.) We were eyeball deep with frustration, anger, resentment and lived day to day if not hour to hour dealing with M’s behaviors.
They. Were. Horrible.
However, they were typical RAD behaviors...She’d lock herself in the bathroom. Another time she hid at the bottom of her sleeping bag screaming and refused to come out. She would lie – often times about things that either could not be proved or not or things that were so wildly outrageous that it was almost comical. Once she told us it would take 5 hours to go across a nearby lake that one could cross in no time. Another time she REALLY wanted to wear a purple bra to school under her white t-shirt (I was beyond horrified).
M would yell at us, “You aren't the boss of me. My social worker is the boss of me. I don't have to do what you tell me, because my social worker is my boss....You aren't ready to be a mom...I don't have to do what you say…just wait and see what I do – you haven’t seen anything yet.” It was so draining and it went on like this for months! Everyday it was a battle to get her ready for school. Sometimes she refused to get out of the car - for long periods of time - once I got her to school.
It got to the point where I didn’t like coming home because I didn’t know what M might do or not do. And, people we knew either supported us or kept asking why are you adopting, when are you going to have your own child and we’d get the looks – you know from people wondering just what had happened to M to make her behave so inappropriately? Granted it was hard for some friends and family to relate just because although they sympathized, many of them had never had a RAD child.
However, there were SO many people giving us support through all of this. Adopting, we found out – fast!, is really alienating. We didn’t have a handful of friends with kids who had RAD. We did have some champions for us though who seriously kept us going - M’s therapist is one of those people. We discovered her in the midst of all this chaos and she has seriously moved mountains in our household and I’m not trying to say M is ‘all fixed’ or that we are the perfect family – because we’re not.
Things now are much better and my husband and I’ve worked hard to learn to not take M’s behaviors personally. This was SOOO hard for me! RAD consequences can be very counter intuitive and this took getting used to because (at least for me) I thought consequences needed to invoke an attitude of, ‘you did this so now I am going to do this (ha ha)’ element to them. Not so with the RAD child.
So as her therapist told us today that she thought that things were going so well in the regard that although M is still doing her goofy things off and on, the fact that we aren’t wrapped up in her drama though AND we’re holding her accountable for her behaviors is fabulous! Oh, and she also thinks we’re good to go for 3 weeks before we meet again! :) Woo-hoo! I NEVER would have guessed a year ago that we’d be where we are today. She even mentioned we were at the point in understanding RAD and how to help M, that we could train others – never, ever thought she’d say that!
As we drove home tonight I started making a mental list of what I’ve learned since we started the adoption process 2 ½ years ago.
Here are two of my bigger epiphanies from when M came home until now:
Control…M had very little control in her life situations before moving in with us. She needed to have that element there and for her it was her safety. It gave her an element of continuity that she didn’t have at other places she lived. Although it drove me WILD – it was to be expected and served its purpose for M. Overtime – she relinquished more control to us (she was MUCH harder on me than my husband) as we proved to her that we could handle her behaviors (we were keeping her!) despite the level of complexity and unanticipated timing of her behavior.
Consequences – don’t need to be hurtful – they need to promote brain growth and building new neural pathways in her brain. So, sometimes having her eat dessert for dinner after throwing a tantrum or taking her to a movie on an afternoon when she is grounded – although seemingly counter intuitive – they worked – kept her guessing and helped her brain re-route itself.
Understanding her desire/need/want for control when M came home and that consequences needn’t be mean, for me might seem obvious but living through it all – it was like trying to run through a mine field of chaos where we were constantly trying to uproot inappropriate behaviors and reseed appropriate behaviors - nonstop.
We didn’t come by her the first try, but, rather the second and at a time when things were not going well. (The first therapist was good and knew her stuff, but wasn’t a good fit for our family.) We were eyeball deep with frustration, anger, resentment and lived day to day if not hour to hour dealing with M’s behaviors.
They. Were. Horrible.
However, they were typical RAD behaviors...She’d lock herself in the bathroom. Another time she hid at the bottom of her sleeping bag screaming and refused to come out. She would lie – often times about things that either could not be proved or not or things that were so wildly outrageous that it was almost comical. Once she told us it would take 5 hours to go across a nearby lake that one could cross in no time. Another time she REALLY wanted to wear a purple bra to school under her white t-shirt (I was beyond horrified).
M would yell at us, “You aren't the boss of me. My social worker is the boss of me. I don't have to do what you tell me, because my social worker is my boss....You aren't ready to be a mom...I don't have to do what you say…just wait and see what I do – you haven’t seen anything yet.” It was so draining and it went on like this for months! Everyday it was a battle to get her ready for school. Sometimes she refused to get out of the car - for long periods of time - once I got her to school.
It got to the point where I didn’t like coming home because I didn’t know what M might do or not do. And, people we knew either supported us or kept asking why are you adopting, when are you going to have your own child and we’d get the looks – you know from people wondering just what had happened to M to make her behave so inappropriately? Granted it was hard for some friends and family to relate just because although they sympathized, many of them had never had a RAD child.
However, there were SO many people giving us support through all of this. Adopting, we found out – fast!, is really alienating. We didn’t have a handful of friends with kids who had RAD. We did have some champions for us though who seriously kept us going - M’s therapist is one of those people. We discovered her in the midst of all this chaos and she has seriously moved mountains in our household and I’m not trying to say M is ‘all fixed’ or that we are the perfect family – because we’re not.
Things now are much better and my husband and I’ve worked hard to learn to not take M’s behaviors personally. This was SOOO hard for me! RAD consequences can be very counter intuitive and this took getting used to because (at least for me) I thought consequences needed to invoke an attitude of, ‘you did this so now I am going to do this (ha ha)’ element to them. Not so with the RAD child.
So as her therapist told us today that she thought that things were going so well in the regard that although M is still doing her goofy things off and on, the fact that we aren’t wrapped up in her drama though AND we’re holding her accountable for her behaviors is fabulous! Oh, and she also thinks we’re good to go for 3 weeks before we meet again! :) Woo-hoo! I NEVER would have guessed a year ago that we’d be where we are today. She even mentioned we were at the point in understanding RAD and how to help M, that we could train others – never, ever thought she’d say that!
As we drove home tonight I started making a mental list of what I’ve learned since we started the adoption process 2 ½ years ago.
Here are two of my bigger epiphanies from when M came home until now:
Control…M had very little control in her life situations before moving in with us. She needed to have that element there and for her it was her safety. It gave her an element of continuity that she didn’t have at other places she lived. Although it drove me WILD – it was to be expected and served its purpose for M. Overtime – she relinquished more control to us (she was MUCH harder on me than my husband) as we proved to her that we could handle her behaviors (we were keeping her!) despite the level of complexity and unanticipated timing of her behavior.
Consequences – don’t need to be hurtful – they need to promote brain growth and building new neural pathways in her brain. So, sometimes having her eat dessert for dinner after throwing a tantrum or taking her to a movie on an afternoon when she is grounded – although seemingly counter intuitive – they worked – kept her guessing and helped her brain re-route itself.
Understanding her desire/need/want for control when M came home and that consequences needn’t be mean, for me might seem obvious but living through it all – it was like trying to run through a mine field of chaos where we were constantly trying to uproot inappropriate behaviors and reseed appropriate behaviors - nonstop.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Using the police as back up...
Yesterday we didn’t make it to the goat farm though M did get her homework done (something came up) but we did get to connect M again with a fabulous resource we found about a year and a half ago at our favorite coffee shop. At the coffee shop, way back when, we met a local police officer who along with his wife were fostering several kids and in the process of going through adoption as well. This officer has taken a liking to M and has helped us along the way by reiterating things we tell her, himself (you know how kids don’t believe their parents when they say something for one reason or another). He has fun teasing her and she enjoys doing the same with him. He 'gets' that kids from foster care have special needs.
Last week M left volleyball practice at the end telling her coach I was there to pick her up (which I was not) and though we had her write her coach an apology letter and apologize to him in person, she didn’t seem to ‘get’ why she needed to 1) stay with the team until we picked her up and 2) how easily it would be for someone to hurt her – quickly and/or take her with them. She has a tendency to minimize safety concerns and overestimate her strength at the same time. And, kids who’ve been adopted at times have a propensity to get themselves into unsafe situations.
I’d called our friend and left a voicemail for him a the station last Friday and he called yesterday morning to say he’d be at the station all day and we were welcome to stop by. Before going in (M didn’t know who we were seeing at the station) I reminded her of the conversations her dad and I had with her about safety and helped her come up with some follow up questions to ask once we were in the station.
She and I came up with:
1) Do kids really get raped in the bushes?
2) What is a sex offender (I had her ask this because in our area there is a high number)?
3) Why do I need to let adults know where I am at at all times?
4) How can I keep myself safe?
He talked to all of us in one room – and it went great. The officer was calm and really clear with her.
He explained some things –
- It would take him 3 seconds to make her pass out (if he wanted to)
- Kids do get raped in the bushes
- No one will hear her scream in the back of a trunk of a car
- Why would a sex offender want to hang out near where I play volleyball?
- Whatever someone wants to do with her, they’d take her to an isolated place
AND….
- It is normal & good for people (including adults) to tell others where they are going (especially in case they don’t arrive when expected)
- His parents when he was growing up acted like my husband and I do -now
- In the last few weeks, his department has arrested a number of pedophiles in our area
- If something does happen, she needs to do everything she can to fight back
- He does NOT want M (or any other child) to become a victim and he has had to call people to tell them he’s found their child and it isn’t a positive outcome
By setting up this meeting we were in no way trying to instill her with fear, but instead, make her aware of why it is so important for her to be honest about her whereabouts, understand that there are people out there who are looking for kids to harm and how to go about being safe. It was a good reality check and at the same time it was nice to have someone M really respects tell her the same things (and more) that we’ve been telling her. Have you done anything similar with your child? Who talks to your child to help reiterate things you tell them that your child doesn’t appear to take to heart?
Last week M left volleyball practice at the end telling her coach I was there to pick her up (which I was not) and though we had her write her coach an apology letter and apologize to him in person, she didn’t seem to ‘get’ why she needed to 1) stay with the team until we picked her up and 2) how easily it would be for someone to hurt her – quickly and/or take her with them. She has a tendency to minimize safety concerns and overestimate her strength at the same time. And, kids who’ve been adopted at times have a propensity to get themselves into unsafe situations.
I’d called our friend and left a voicemail for him a the station last Friday and he called yesterday morning to say he’d be at the station all day and we were welcome to stop by. Before going in (M didn’t know who we were seeing at the station) I reminded her of the conversations her dad and I had with her about safety and helped her come up with some follow up questions to ask once we were in the station.
She and I came up with:
1) Do kids really get raped in the bushes?
2) What is a sex offender (I had her ask this because in our area there is a high number)?
3) Why do I need to let adults know where I am at at all times?
4) How can I keep myself safe?
He talked to all of us in one room – and it went great. The officer was calm and really clear with her.
He explained some things –
- It would take him 3 seconds to make her pass out (if he wanted to)
- Kids do get raped in the bushes
- No one will hear her scream in the back of a trunk of a car
- Why would a sex offender want to hang out near where I play volleyball?
- Whatever someone wants to do with her, they’d take her to an isolated place
AND….
- It is normal & good for people (including adults) to tell others where they are going (especially in case they don’t arrive when expected)
- His parents when he was growing up acted like my husband and I do -now
- In the last few weeks, his department has arrested a number of pedophiles in our area
- If something does happen, she needs to do everything she can to fight back
- He does NOT want M (or any other child) to become a victim and he has had to call people to tell them he’s found their child and it isn’t a positive outcome
By setting up this meeting we were in no way trying to instill her with fear, but instead, make her aware of why it is so important for her to be honest about her whereabouts, understand that there are people out there who are looking for kids to harm and how to go about being safe. It was a good reality check and at the same time it was nice to have someone M really respects tell her the same things (and more) that we’ve been telling her. Have you done anything similar with your child? Who talks to your child to help reiterate things you tell them that your child doesn’t appear to take to heart?
Monday, September 6, 2010
Who knew the power of goats?
Being two days before school starts I was in my classroom organizing and filing. On my desk there was a mound of papers that I’ve been meaning to sort for a while. Time being of the essence, I got to work. As I was going through I found something I’ve been looking for for a while now – Aha! I found it - a slip of paper about a local goat rescue place. I’d called last year after seeing them on the school bulletin as a place needing volunteers. When I’d called the owner told me she needed folks to come weekly to first to clean (think: poop and LOTS of it!) and then spend some time cuddling with the goats. At the time, I’d made a mental note to call back and get M signed on as a volunteer.
Yesterday upon finding the goat rescue information again I called. Twenty minutes later (the owner wouldn’t be available later in the afternoon) we headed there for a tour to see if it would be somewhere where M could do some volunteer work. (We feel it is SO important for her to help others and it helps her brain get out of the ‘woe is me’ rut she can sometimes fall into AND her school requires it every year so why not start now?)
We arrived, got a tour and met another volunteer and the owner AND of course, the stars of the show, the goats (who were all rescued – some of whom were born at the slaughter house) and the lone injured but healing horse who hangs with the goats.
M immediately started asking, “Can I pet the goats?” to which there was a resounding, “Yes! Please do!” While there she got to help dress a goats back leg that needed mending, she picked up bad apples off the ground, hung out with the goats that were chomping (literally) leaves off the bushes and hang with the horse. She eagerly wanted to do anything she could to help!
We were there maybe a little over an hour and when it was time to leave, M didn’t want to leave. She begged for me to let her stay. “Please! Please, mom? Can I stay?” In the end she had to come with me (I had more work to do at school) and on the way to the car, within ear shot of the owner, she started with pleading to come back tomorrow. “Well, I told her, to come back tomorrow; ALL your homework needs to be done.” (we'll be volunteering officially starting next week) “Ok, I’ll do it all!”
(Is this my child? Has she been put under a spell? No, she just loves to help animals, which is great, because this hasn’t always been the case….More on this later in an upcoming post.)
Before I go, today is tomorrow, and she is working on her homework so if we get there today, I’ll get some pictures and post them soon.
One last thing...I've been told it is a bit confusing on how to leave comments...I'm working on this but for now, just click where it says, "0 comments" (or however many there are)...
Ps…if you’re interested in learning more about how you can help out with the goat rescue, email me and I’ll send you the information… nwadoptivemom at gmail dot com
Yesterday upon finding the goat rescue information again I called. Twenty minutes later (the owner wouldn’t be available later in the afternoon) we headed there for a tour to see if it would be somewhere where M could do some volunteer work. (We feel it is SO important for her to help others and it helps her brain get out of the ‘woe is me’ rut she can sometimes fall into AND her school requires it every year so why not start now?)
We arrived, got a tour and met another volunteer and the owner AND of course, the stars of the show, the goats (who were all rescued – some of whom were born at the slaughter house) and the lone injured but healing horse who hangs with the goats.
M immediately started asking, “Can I pet the goats?” to which there was a resounding, “Yes! Please do!” While there she got to help dress a goats back leg that needed mending, she picked up bad apples off the ground, hung out with the goats that were chomping (literally) leaves off the bushes and hang with the horse. She eagerly wanted to do anything she could to help!
We were there maybe a little over an hour and when it was time to leave, M didn’t want to leave. She begged for me to let her stay. “Please! Please, mom? Can I stay?” In the end she had to come with me (I had more work to do at school) and on the way to the car, within ear shot of the owner, she started with pleading to come back tomorrow. “Well, I told her, to come back tomorrow; ALL your homework needs to be done.” (we'll be volunteering officially starting next week) “Ok, I’ll do it all!”
(Is this my child? Has she been put under a spell? No, she just loves to help animals, which is great, because this hasn’t always been the case….More on this later in an upcoming post.)
Before I go, today is tomorrow, and she is working on her homework so if we get there today, I’ll get some pictures and post them soon.
One last thing...I've been told it is a bit confusing on how to leave comments...I'm working on this but for now, just click where it says, "0 comments" (or however many there are)...
Ps…if you’re interested in learning more about how you can help out with the goat rescue, email me and I’ll send you the information… nwadoptivemom at gmail dot com
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Attachment what?
Attachment disorder…when my husband or I say this we often times get funny looks…and honestly, hearing the word ‘disorder’ – especially after the word ‘attachment’ often makes people wonder, what is wrong?
When we were going to some of the required classes in our adoption agency we’d hear that many kids who are adopted through foster care (or otherwise) have attachment disorder and sometimes even (gasp!), RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). The idea that OUR daughter who we claim as our own would have this seemed pretty much unlikely to me. The stars would be on our side and our girl would be well adjusted and fit right in – this was my hope though I knew it was quite unrealistic. I wanted to believe she would NEVER have this – as in my mind it would be the ultimate cocktail of words making a horrifying situation.
Well, simultaneously as we were overflowing with excitement that M was our daughter – besides, as one friend told us, there is something to be said for missing out on the diaper changing years – M’s behavior was going down…fast. Outbursts, screaming, yelling, stomping, slamming…everyday. Some of her “greatest hits” were “too bad, so sad”, “some mom you are”, “why don’t you just give me up?”….When she woke up in a mood or got upset over something the day was shot. Any agenda we had was put to the side for another day. Calling for backup from my in-laws was common (both are well versed in medical issues) and peace and quiet was rare.
We found a resource that helped and explained a lot of things we were seeing. We ‘got’ why M was upset and she had every right to be mad and angry, very angry. She’d been abused in her birth family, been to multiple foster homes, been separated from her siblings, been abandoned by her family, and taken in by one family to be adopted and then sent back into the system. She had a cocktail of experiences that would make anyone hardened and bitter.
The resource we found that helped (BIG time) - we consider being the RAD Bible. It is Nancy Thomas’s book, When Love is Not Enough. In this she explains the RAD child’s behaviors, how to manage discipline and strategies to use to help the child learn regular behaviors. Some of her ideas we used, others we didn’t. I highly recommend this book! The book is easy to read, to the point, organized by strategies and so, so helpful.
When we were going to some of the required classes in our adoption agency we’d hear that many kids who are adopted through foster care (or otherwise) have attachment disorder and sometimes even (gasp!), RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). The idea that OUR daughter who we claim as our own would have this seemed pretty much unlikely to me. The stars would be on our side and our girl would be well adjusted and fit right in – this was my hope though I knew it was quite unrealistic. I wanted to believe she would NEVER have this – as in my mind it would be the ultimate cocktail of words making a horrifying situation.
Well, simultaneously as we were overflowing with excitement that M was our daughter – besides, as one friend told us, there is something to be said for missing out on the diaper changing years – M’s behavior was going down…fast. Outbursts, screaming, yelling, stomping, slamming…everyday. Some of her “greatest hits” were “too bad, so sad”, “some mom you are”, “why don’t you just give me up?”….When she woke up in a mood or got upset over something the day was shot. Any agenda we had was put to the side for another day. Calling for backup from my in-laws was common (both are well versed in medical issues) and peace and quiet was rare.
We found a resource that helped and explained a lot of things we were seeing. We ‘got’ why M was upset and she had every right to be mad and angry, very angry. She’d been abused in her birth family, been to multiple foster homes, been separated from her siblings, been abandoned by her family, and taken in by one family to be adopted and then sent back into the system. She had a cocktail of experiences that would make anyone hardened and bitter.
The resource we found that helped (BIG time) - we consider being the RAD Bible. It is Nancy Thomas’s book, When Love is Not Enough. In this she explains the RAD child’s behaviors, how to manage discipline and strategies to use to help the child learn regular behaviors. Some of her ideas we used, others we didn’t. I highly recommend this book! The book is easy to read, to the point, organized by strategies and so, so helpful.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Tonights Tantrum
It has been a dozy of a night, for several reasons I am sure. First, school just resumed. M started back to school this past Tuesday (she is in middle school now) and that means less mother-daughter time together. Secondly, going back to school means change in routine. M has a fabulous attachment therapist (we call her a “butt kicker” – she really is!) and I distinctly remember this same situation last fall when M returned to school. So tonight as M took the dog around the block (he loves her more than life itself, we are sure!) in her funk – and after yelling at us, “In your dreams!” in response to something we asked her to do, we thought about what tools were in our resource box that might fit this situation (while hoping the endorphins did their part while she was walking, too). Sometimes what works best is to make her consequence something that is surprising to her, to get her brain to get out of its rut. Since she LOVES to read (and we did go to the library today) we thought about letting her cool down in her room, take some time to settle down and read in her room. Or, maybe, we thought, we should surprise her and have her have dessert first. Yeah, this we thought might jar her brain enough to get her out of her rut to make her realize how silly she was being. When she came back, we were prepared….She came in much calmer and apologized – to us AND her grandparents who were visiting. I told her she’d have to ask Dad what her consequence should be and you should have seen her amazement – it was palpable – when he told her the consequence was to take a nice, hot back and a book with her to read. She did a double take. I’m sure she thinks we’re nuts and frankly; maybe it is better this way. So, tell me…what kinds of consequences do you do that help keep you sane and help your kiddo move from the yelling, angry, rah, rah mode to being civil again?
Friday, September 3, 2010
I'm glad you are here!
Welcome! – we’re both here - finally! I have had this blog on a mental to-do list for a l-o-n-g time now mainly because while I know there are a lot of blogs out there on adoption, I’ve feel compelled to share our story and the resources we’ve found helpful. As the days go by I find myself finding more and more good resources that I believe others can use. Looking back, I wish there had been someone who could have helped us along the way in our adoption journey - on different topics I plan on blogging about.
We chose adoption literally because it kept coming up again and again in conversation and in circumstance. We had friends who’d adopted their daughter, another friend was adopted at a week old and two of my husband’s colleagues adopted as well. Really, adoption was a reoccurring conversation in our house. We made an appointment with a local agency and went into the meeting prepared to leave our application if we felt comfortable doing so. We did. We left hopeful and excited about what was to come. A few bumps and more hoops than we’d ever expected, we came home with our daughter (an older child adoption) September 25, 2008. I remember driving her to our home after picking her up at her foster parents’ home, and I wanted to shout at the top of my lungs, “We’re your new parents, I am your mom… We love you! Things are going to be ok!” Things were ok, but it wasn’t as smooth as I could have hoped (we had extreme highs and extreme lows), but in the end – and our story is still going – M is teaching us more than we’d ever expected. In many ways she is impacting us more than we are her. Ultimately though, we are all learning from one another.
So, come along! Join me on our journey from here and I promise to share the resources we found helpful and I hope that in return, you will share things you’ve found helpful and together we can make a difference in a child's life.
Abby
NW Adoptive Mom
PS
Oh, and to help you through the week, I am going to be posting Misms (after our daughter), telling some of her more humorous moments…let’s talk again soon.
We chose adoption literally because it kept coming up again and again in conversation and in circumstance. We had friends who’d adopted their daughter, another friend was adopted at a week old and two of my husband’s colleagues adopted as well. Really, adoption was a reoccurring conversation in our house. We made an appointment with a local agency and went into the meeting prepared to leave our application if we felt comfortable doing so. We did. We left hopeful and excited about what was to come. A few bumps and more hoops than we’d ever expected, we came home with our daughter (an older child adoption) September 25, 2008. I remember driving her to our home after picking her up at her foster parents’ home, and I wanted to shout at the top of my lungs, “We’re your new parents, I am your mom… We love you! Things are going to be ok!” Things were ok, but it wasn’t as smooth as I could have hoped (we had extreme highs and extreme lows), but in the end – and our story is still going – M is teaching us more than we’d ever expected. In many ways she is impacting us more than we are her. Ultimately though, we are all learning from one another.
So, come along! Join me on our journey from here and I promise to share the resources we found helpful and I hope that in return, you will share things you’ve found helpful and together we can make a difference in a child's life.
Abby
NW Adoptive Mom
PS
Oh, and to help you through the week, I am going to be posting Misms (after our daughter), telling some of her more humorous moments…let’s talk again soon.
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