Attachment what?

Attachment disorder…when my husband or I say this we often times get funny looks…and honestly, hearing the word ‘disorder’ – especially after the word ‘attachment’ often makes people wonder, what is wrong?


When we were going to some of the required classes in our adoption agency we’d hear that many kids who are adopted through foster care (or otherwise) have attachment disorder and sometimes even (gasp!), RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). The idea that OUR daughter who we claim as our own would have this seemed pretty much unlikely to me. The stars would be on our side and our girl would be well adjusted and fit right in – this was my hope though I knew it was quite unrealistic. I wanted to believe she would NEVER have this – as in my mind it would be the ultimate cocktail of words making a horrifying situation.

Well, simultaneously as we were overflowing with excitement that M was our daughter – besides, as one friend told us, there is something to be said for missing out on the diaper changing years – M’s behavior was going down…fast. Outbursts, screaming, yelling, stomping, slamming…everyday. Some of her “greatest hits” were “too bad, so sad”, “some mom you are”, “why don’t you just give me up?”….When she woke up in a mood or got upset over something the day was shot. Any agenda we had was put to the side for another day. Calling for backup from my in-laws was common (both are well versed in medical issues) and peace and quiet was rare.

We found a resource that helped and explained a lot of things we were seeing. We ‘got’ why M was upset and she had every right to be mad and angry, very angry. She’d been abused in her birth family, been to multiple foster homes, been separated from her siblings, been abandoned by her family, and taken in by one family to be adopted and then sent back into the system. She had a cocktail of experiences that would make anyone hardened and bitter.

The resource we found that helped (BIG time) - we consider being the RAD Bible. It is Nancy Thomas’s book, When Love is Not Enough. In this she explains the RAD child’s behaviors, how to manage discipline and strategies to use to help the child learn regular behaviors. Some of her ideas we used, others we didn’t. I highly recommend this book!  The book is easy to read, to the point, organized by strategies and so, so helpful.